I realize yesterday’s post was not the most sunshine-y. I think I may have reached my optimism limit some days, yesterday being one of them. I want to speak my mind. Once heard someone say (paraphrased), “you may not know exactly what your thought is until you’re actually speaking the thought out loud.”
Or, in my case, writing it.
I took 3 days off from running. Mostly because of a certain vices in my life (cider, wine, etc.), but also because of rain, and actual general laziness (exhaustion???). When I ran last Thursday, I wasn’t feeling it, even though I ran 5 miles. I only ran 17 miles last week, as opposed to 30 the week before. I have this goal of running the marathon and it’s pressing on me too dauntingly. I was partially afraid of going running again yesterday because I thought I might not *want* to. Luckily I was able to run and enjoy over 6 miles yesterday. It was a cold and blustery day, but lots of folks were out and the morning rain had moved out. And I slept mostly well.
Self care is the hardest thing for me right now. It feels so selfish. Running is an acceptable form of self care to most – therapists, my husband, others who run. I don’t want to lose it so I have to take care of myself all the more. Running is how I blow off steam, clear my head. Running is also probably how I run away from my problems, like my issues are a gang of evil monsters with clubs on fire running at my heels. It’s a solitary activity, unless running in a group of course. Even though I am not a swimmer, I imagine the submersion into water feels so good to satisfy a person’s need for solitude. I know I like to submerge in the bathtub to disconnect for a bit. Running feels the same way.
I may not run a marathon quite yet, but at least it’s in the realm of possibility for me given how much I run now.
Sometimes, though, I hit a wall and have no energy. I shut down and have to rest. My brain overloads and basically gets stuck on an unproductive spin cycle, centrifugal force holding everything troubling against the wall and holding them in equally overwhelming importance. “Deal with me!” each issue yells at me at once. These are the very thoughts I am having right now:
“You need to work.”
“You need to think about dinner.”
“You shouldn’t have eaten that.”
“You need to go to church.”
“You need to take a shower.”
“You need to see how your friend you talked to last week is doing.”
“You need to donate to that cause.”
“You need to volunteer more.”
“You need to go to bed earlier tonight.”
“You need to wake up earlier tomorrow.”
“You need to do the laundry.”
“You need to run tomorrow.”
“You need to remember to get ready for that meeting next week.”
“You need to vacuum.”
“You need to go through the mail.”
“You need to get better at meal planning and stop wasting so much produce.”
“You need to clean off your desk at work.”
“You need to go to your friend’s show.”
“You need to call your state representatives.”
“You need to check your email.”
“You need to send that report.”
“You need to meet your billing deadline.”
“You need to apologize for hurting feelings.”
“You need to be a better mom.”
“You need more rest.”
“You need to use those gift cards from Christmas.”
On and on it goes, when I am not running.
This is why I run.