Yes, that title is supposed to be in sarcasm font.
“I sometimes feel like I am on a ride, a roller coaster. And I get stuck on the point before the ride actually starts. Like I am anticipating fear of what is to come, so I can’t even get the ride to actually begin,” I said to my therapist last week. It was Wednesday. I’d reached out and she was able to see me the very next day due to a cancellation.
“Tell me more about that,” she said.
“Well, I have all these times where I feel really good about myself and abilities. I make all these great plans and have bursts of ideas of things I want to accomplish. But then my mood shifts and I have set myself up for complete failure. Because when I am in a low mood, I see all these things I had very much wanted to do, and I realize I am frozen by feelings of being overwhelmed and I just can’t even begin to get them all done. And this applies to every single area of my life.”
“Well, this is completely different than what you’ve told me before,” she said, as she headed over to the computer to look at the schedule for the center where I was evaluated for depression and anxiety. “You may have bipolar disorder. We need to get you in ASAP to be evaluated for that so we can change your treatment plan.”
I told her that I think I am finally getting better at naming my emotions and describing them better to her, and this particular description is nothing new to me and in fact has been going on for decades. I seldom finish what I start, I always feel like I’ve set myself up to fail, and it’s exhausting. I told her I’ve wondered if I had bipolar disorder.
So I went in Friday and the nurse practitioner I’ve been seeing there has now started me on mood stabilizing medicines. We’ll see how that goes over the next month as it takes a while for these things to really show whether or not they work.