Turning the oft-quoted Tolkien phrase on its head, I know I feel lost at the moment and yet I cannot wander to find direction at the moment.
And, although when Jesus preached the parable about our inability to serve two masters (Matthew 6:24) to demonstrate that you cannot serve both God and money, I feel as though my life is currently spent serving many masters. And, it’s true, I feel that I am despising things that I should love, but I don’t have time to dwell in any of them long enough at the moment to not feel irritated when I am tugged along by the hour of the day to turn my attention and energy to the next task at hand.
I was invited to be part of a group that meets with our new pastor. We meet with her on Tuesday mornings from 6:30-7:30 to discuss the lectionary text of the upcoming week’s sermon, and this past Tuesday (oh, only yesterday? Feels like three days ago!), we discussed Psalm 119:9-16 and Matthew 6:19-21 (just before the two masters part in verse 24). Both passages, although contextually different, describe treasures, and described how we are to behave when we realize our treasure is in the heart of God.
Heart = core.
One of the attendees to the “Text Talk” who also happens to be one of the more grounded young people I’ve ever met, made the point that it’s hard to find treasure in God when a person doesn’t know what their core is. This is a paraphrase, and I fully admit she may have had another point altogether, but it hit me that I am not sure what my core is and am not sure that I ever have.
I do not feel awesome about feeling this way.
Also in the context of this Text Talk the participants were to offer by way of introduction how long we’ve attended our church and what we spend most of our day doing. I happened to go last, and I felt like I didn’t have much to offer beyond “I juggle a lot of projects. And roles of responsibility.”
I know I would get bored if I only did the same thing day in and day out. A new work colleague, reflecting on her role at work, said one of the reasons she left her old job was because she had grown bored. But now she’s in a high impact and fast-paced environment. I made that kind of job transition once before, when I went from working as an administrative assistant at a church to a human resources assistant at a local for-profit college. Night and day stress levels, not much more pay, and I was ready to quit only two months later. I last six more months. I was unemployed for three months until I was hired for my current position. My current position was quickly augmented by other roles and responsibilities. Some of which I love, some of which I do out of obligation. I am serving too many masters now.
I am not sure who the master within me is at the moment. I know my vision is blurred by all the opportunities. I am disoriented by the time and mental commitments I will have to make to further my career. My heart aches as I consider putting off my desire to start a family. As I said, I feel lost, but I am not actively wandering to find my way right now. I have too many masters demanding my attention.
My prayer tonight is for God to grant me some patience in dealing with myself. I feel like I haven’t done a good enough job in my many roles at present. I feel my work is sloppy at times, and am due any criticism I receive. I feel like I have made regrettable mistakes at work, but not out of any ill-will but because I didn’t have a good grip on the situation to know there was an issue in time. By the time I get home, I am confronted by a messy house I am too tired to clean. I am still sad about the death of Josef’s grandfather. I feel like I have been a bad friend to several good friends lately because I haven’t had a moment to let them know I’ve been too busy. I haven’t slept well in weeks, so I am short on patience. I feel like I can’t possibly take on more commitment than I already have.
My prayer also tonight is to feel centered enough to convince myself that I do know who I am. I might not be spot-on centered, but I surely know myself! I may not have an awesome career by my own standards, but I am in love with the place where I work and the people I work with there. I get to use my singing talent through my a cappella group. I feel great when I make others’ lives easier or better. I think I need to rely on knowing what I do know about myself and know that other people are not there for me to compare myself to and see myself falling so short.
Okay, I promise a lighter post next go ’round, but I needed to get all that off my chest. Thanks for reading. I’ll be okay.