“She has trouble acting normal when she’s nervous.” – Counting Crows, “Round Here”
I had to deal with some jealous feelings yesterday.
There’s a certain situation I mentioned (sorry to be so vague) that I dealt with and wrote about in a recent and prior post.
Basically, my jealousy that I experienced yesterday boils down to having to continually deal with watching someone that I have to deal with on a frequent basis enjoy having something that I wanted. Typical, right?
This was something that I wanted very badly, and even though I cautioned myself not to get my hopes up, it hurt so badly when it didn’t happen for me. I also feel badly because I happen to have grown to like the person who gets to enjoy having the thing I wanted, so while I am very happy for this person, I am not over not getting what I wanted.
Yesterday, I had to work on something FOR the person who got what I wanted WITH the person who did not choose me for the thing I wanted. It was very sad and uncomfortable to deal with. All the while, the person I’m jealous of is completely oblivious, which is a good thing, because it sure would be embarrassing to have to deal with that dynamic.
Jealousy is such a primal feeling! Like hunger striking, or fear, anger is so quick and present when it appears. It’s like turning on a light switch and clearly seeing the light is on and you can’t help but see all that is around you now that the light shines all around.You can’t take it back. It’s just there, all ugly and messy, yet so basic.
I felt found out yesterday – I revealed my ugly self to myself. It actually was very helpful for me to know I’m not over things. What stinks though is that I need to stay in this situation for a number of factors. For now, anyway. All the more motivation to make some major decisions.
I must keep moving forward. I curse you, green-eyed monster. Even if you do help me realize what I want, you make it difficult for me to behave civilly. Yet, I do behave civilly because that’s what I do.
Even though I’d rather be a total Sister Bear about it!