“We’ve got to run away,” says Dorothy to her dog Toto upon seeing him after he escaped Miss Gulch’s bicycle basket in The Wizard of Oz.
As you may recall from reading other posts on my blog, I have a quite active dream life. My dreams frequently invade my mind, blurring the process of waking up in the morning. I am often convinced that what is happening in my dreams is real.
Yesterday (or a few days ago, I can’t remember), I dreamed that I had gone to Seattle to go see my friend from high school who lives there. I don’t remember actually seeing her, but I did realize that I needed to get to work in a few hours (in my non-dream life), but I knew there was no way I could get from Seattle to Atlanta in two hours. Panic commenced, and I couldn’t find a way back to Atlanta. I couldn’t even remember how I had gotten to Seattle in the first place. Eventually I woke up enough to realize I was actually in Atlanta.
This morning, I was between dead asleep and wakefullness yet again. This time, I dreamed that I needed to go someplace south of downtown later in the day. I don’t know why I needed to go there or what it was I’d be doing there, but it was something I couldn’t get out of doing, and I dreaded having to go.
Through my drowsy state, I also registered the pouring rain this morning, and interpretted that into my dream. It made me dread even more having to drive south. As with the Seattle dream, I eventually woke up, again relieved that it was just a dream.
I have always had a difficult time waking up in the morning, particularly since freshman year of college. Likewise, I have a difficult time falling asleep. I used to read books to fall asleep before I got married, but my husband is very sensitive to light, so I’ve taken to listening to audio books at night. I always am able to drift right to sleep with someone else’s story rather than staying awake with my own life story.
So, as poor Dorothy experiences a need to escape, I think I try to escape my own life sometimes, even unintentionally, through my sleep. Then, I experience something worse in my dreams that I need to escape by waking up. Both my real-life problems and my dreamed problems keep me in limbo from true rest. From true resolution.
I started going back to therapy. First time in 4 years. I feel that I am not my usual sunny self and all the small things are becoming major threats to my ability to function. Since I realize that the small things are bothering me, I am upset with myself that little things are bugging me this much. Of course, I realize and count my many, many blessings, and I still am happy to be involved in so many things that typically bring me joy, but something’s just not right.
I keep daydreaming about running away. Not a crazy running away scenario, but just something more akin to going on vacation. As much as I enjoy the things I’m doing, I feel there are times when I’m overscheduled and I’d rather just sit in a vegetative state in front of the tv.
I have started to look forward to the random weeknight when my husband and I can actually eat dinner together, because due to his work travel and my many “extracurriculars,” it’s becoming more and more difficult to see each other outside of the weekend. When he’s actually home, I am often darting off to rehearsal or a game or a Bible study, and then I see him when it’s time to say goodnight and fire up up the audio book so I can fall asleep. I feel badly that our poor dog doesn’t get enough loving because I’m often just popping in to make sure his basic needs are met, too, on my way to something else I’ve signed up for.
I guess I’m ready to be a homebody for a while. Escape to my house, with my husband and our sidekick dog. That sounds nice about now. 🙂