For a while, I have been my usual occupied self. Busy, but not too busy.
But then, every activity in which I am involved seemed to go into warp speed and happen all at once. As much as I may have mentally and physically prepared for said activities to ramp in intensity — I can read a calendar as well as the next person — I somehow wasn’t ready when it happened.
As I result, I am left wondering what is wrong with me. Usually I adore being busy and having a lot to do. As you know if you’ve read my blog, I try to not have a lot of idle time to myself, lest I settle into some state of laziness.
Somehow, though, I now crave that state of laziness. All the things I am doing are things I love to do. It’s just that lately, while I’ve doing all these things, I feel like I am just doing them all wrong. Like I’m walking in a dream and my aims are not my outcomes. It’s all my responsibility to take care of these many things, and I feel like I am being spread thin. Like I am slowly breaking down.
I had one of those moments last night where I woke up in the middle of the night: wide awake, heart pounding, as if a bucket of cold water had just met my face. As you may have heard it said, anytime you wake up in the quiet of the night like that, it means God is trying to tell you something.
My thought, upon waking, was about how one day I — as I know myself — will not exist.
This thought plagues me when I am not at my best. It’s always in the middle of the night, seemingly out of nowhere, and haunting as all-get-out. So I turned to the one source of comfort in the dark of night: prayer.
Tears streamed down my face as I lay face down and poured out all the self-doubts, horrifying thoughts of my inabilities, and guilt over things I’ve left undone in the wake of trying to maintain calm and show others I’ve got it together.
I am so scared about letting others down that it impacts my ability to truly help them. It’s the same wisdom as found in the quentisential notion about how therapists cannot provide therapy unless they themselves have had their heads examined.
I currently vacillate between wanting to do all the things expected of me — again, all the things I signed up to do — and also wanting to strike out in a new direction. The push-and-pull of trying to comprehend God’s plan for me often leaves me exhausted. Should I be as content with the way things are, as I have often expressed to others in an effort to convince myself that I am content? How do I exist in this constant state of gratitude for what I have, paired with the desire to see what else is out there for me?
A friend recently expressed the desire to go away to a monastery for some self-healing. There is a nearby monastery where people can go to spend time by themselves for a week or weekend, during which a person can spend time in silent reflection. Not to equate myself with Jesus, but even he took some time away to spend by Himself (like the 40 days after His baptism).
I think what I have realized from being busy is that while all these things I do, that I enjoy doing, are all wonderful and involve people I love dearly, I also need to take time to do nothing. Rather than continually live in a state of stress from many sources, I need to take even 5 minutes out of my day to come back to my center and remember that my whole life has prepared me to handle things that come my way, and that God’s always there to help me.
Finally crying last night and praying about it all really helps me to have a fresh perspective this morning. Having everything finally calm down will really help, too!
Writing it out helps. Welcome back to my blog. I have missed writing. Here, then, is a toast to having good thoughts to share with you.