Durn. This thinking lightly thing is not going so well this week.
I’ve dreamed about tornadoes twice this week. If you do a simple Google search, you don’t have to look far to find out that means that I am stressed or feeling upset about things in the future. I guess I am worried about a few things. Maybe I should just get them off my chest.
I know I mentioned that I lost weight before our wedding. I was also in a very deep depression. I am now experiencing that again, and I hate it! I want to kick Depression out of my life for good (thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert who also personified Depression in Eat, Pray, Love). It really is like having another person with you all the time, one that you dislike, smells horrible, points out the bad stuff in the world every second.
I remember from college in our counseling class, our professor told us that “your perception is your reality.” I feel like my perception right now is under attack. I am not sleeping well, I feel lonely even though I have tons of friends, I wonder where I am headed in this life, I can be in a room full of people and my mind will totally be somewhere else. I only feel better when I am talking to another, living, breathing human being. Or our dog.
In the past, I have vowed not to let Depression get the better of me. It just hurts. It sucks. So why can’t I just shrug it off?
My husband jokes about how I can’t relax. It’s one of those jokes that is funny because it’s true. I think I get my inability to relax from my dad. He is a worrier. He can’t sit still. He always has to be doing something and you can tell that his mind is going a million miles a minute. He’s a neat freak. He’s a control freak. I find that I am becoming a lot like him when it comes to certain things.
One minute I am fine. The next minute I am compressing (or depressing as that same college professor would say) all my thoughts about self-worth together and the bad outweighs the good.
Am I distracting myself (i.e., fooling myself) from dealing with issues if I am only trying to change my perception of them? Will they still be a problem if I decide it isn’t a problem? What sucks is that I can’t readily identify all my problems. It’s not like looking in the fridge and noticing you’re out of milk. It’s more like what I felt as a teenager. Maybe I’m just bored with everything. I want something new and exciting to happen every day. Or maybe I have gotten spoiled by a lot of new things in the last few years – marriage, dog, job I like (mostly), buying a house, coaching cheerleading, being part of the leadership for my a cappella group. I stick my head way too far into the future and can’t enjoy the present. I think about how I already know what I am doing every weekend in September and October.
Okay, I see myself descending down a spiraling staircase and it’s time to shove off and get out and do something! I am going to be happy now.