I’m in a whiny, tired, grumpy mood and have been for weeks. My meds are pretty good right now, but I still have this prevailing mood that is not so cheerful. I am not really trying to help myself get out of it, though. It’s so weird because less than a few weeks ago, I was actually feeling better than I had in months.
Maybe it’s the onset of cold weather and autumn’s darkening days.
It takes a lot of effort for me to smile right now. I’m trying to fake it till I make it.
What’s painful is knowing something is definitely off with me socially. I’m awkward right now. I’m lonely. When I try to talk to my normal group of friends, I feel like I am bothering them and deep down they now hate me. And I can’t figure out what I did. Any feeling of being slighted makes me burst into tears. And I somehow believe those thoughts over evidence that my friends do love me and want to hang out. I am invited to things (4 e-vites this week alone!). I feel overly sensitive and vulnerable to being knocked down based on my interpretation of events. I feel like the more I try to patch up some situations, it’s like bricks of my trying to patch things up erodes into sand that slips through my hands. That makes me want to stop trying, because I feel so incapable socially right now.
In therapy this week, I was expressing some of these feelings and my therapist said that loneliness perpetuates loneliness. She also pointed me to some positive psychology practices and sent me a link to a website that should help me. But I can’t open it. Why am I wallowing?
I feel helpless in being able to help others. I feel so uninspired in life in general. I feel like if I try to contribute to the greater good right now, it will not turn out well. So I’m turning more and more inward and perpetuating my own loneliness.
But, work is going well for me after a massive rough patch the last several months. While I still perceive no one really likes me, they are just being professional, at least I am finally feeling energetic enough to want to get things gone rather than avoiding tasks as long as possible, I’m able to reach goals, and I’m able to be overall much more communicative about statuses on things. I’m getting more space to work on the things I want to be able to focus on – researching transaction history, cleaning up databases, thinking about process improvement.
That’s not enough right now, but at least it’s a very good feeling to feel like my old self in that arena.
It’s a rough patch, but I will get through it. I have to. And I have to figure it out for myself. I am not going to stop myself from publishing this like I really want to do right now.
Thanks for reading.