What scares me now, and why I am writing, is that I’ve been more and more on this path of really listening to myself and paying attention to the areas that need attention. Always considering myself a work in progress and working to dispel the power that self-doubt, regret (about career choices), and blows to my self-esteem, I’ve been evaluating how I’m feeling about life at present. Hold that thought, I will return to it.

Last month, one of the most precious married couples I’ve ever known had a very special baby shower. R and B are having a baby boy in January. R and I were college roommates, and she met Ben our freshman year. Getting to the point of being able to have a baby has come with lots of sacrifice and clearing hurdles, so a celebration was certainly in order! Nothing was going to keep Josef and me away from the baby shower last month, and I knew I needed to do something to express just how happy I am for them. R told me what her nursery pattern was, and I took my cue from that to create a drawing for their nursery.  I really enjoyed creating this artwork for them, and it was so awesome to see the looks on their faces when they opened their present from us. I’ve done drawings for them in the past, so I knew it was the right direction to go for a personalized gift. They seemed to love it! Mission accomplished!

I had hoped that R and B would like the drawing, and was pleased that they did, but I wasn’t expecting what came next. Several people who were also at the shower asked to see the drawing, which I had framed. It was flattering to get this attention for something I made, as I hadn’t gotten that kind of attention for some time. I haven’t been creating like I wanted to.  One college friend in attendance, N, who is well on her way to becoming a young adult novelist, spoke to Josef and me and encouraged me to try to become a freelance illustrator. She even recommended a professional group to join to help me learn the industry, as she has on the writing side. This was super-flattering coming from her, and what meant the most to me was that Josef also was encouraging me. I felt my heart burst with joy and my eyes fill with tears when he said, “What can we do to encourage this? We can redo the guest room and make it more of a studio for you.” He said some other things, too, which overjoyed me.

This past weekend, Josef and I had a Christmas Drop In party. Josef goes all out for Christmas. The decorations warrant a party!

Here’s a pic of the outside of our house that our neighbor took last night.

I’ll have to take some pictures of the inside of the house, as that’s another post entirely!  I decided it would be a good opportunity for some self-promotion of my artwork. I thought it would be fun to create some Christmas-themed drawings to use to decorate the house some more. In the course of two hours, I had four drawings. I framed them and we set them around the house for the party (and for the rest of the season).

The tree says, “May Your Days Be Merry and Bright!”  I think they turned out well. It was fun at the Christmas party to see guests reactions. It validated me that several friends on Facebook and in person said they’d love for me to draw them something!

Now, backing up to what I said earlier about working to dispel the power that self-doubt, regret (about career choices), and blows to my self-esteem. A lot of times I have feelings about my talents through the vein that there are people out there who are better than I am and who are better at promoting themselves. There are better singers, better artists, better what-have-you, so why bother?

Because I matter, and so do you.

Hiding our talents is a mistake. I told people when I was five that I wanted to be an artist, and I have spent a majority of my life thinking I wasn’t good enough and that I ought to be doing something else professionally. I barely have studied art, aside from two courses in college, so I thought I wasn’t trained enough. Then I came across some artwork I did when I was ten:

I can’t believe I could do this when I was ten and eleven. Now I’m 31, almost 32. It’s definitely time to stop listening to my fears and just go for it.  In January, I’m going to pay the nominal fee to join the professional group my college friend recommended at R and B’s baby shower.

Now on to the parachute part of my post. And another book reference: What Color is Your Parachute by Richard Bolles. I bought this book a while back when I was feeling depressed about my job prospects, and only recently picked it up. I’m about halfway through, and have started on the parts of the book that require homework. I don’t know what color my parachute is, but it feels great to have a different perspective about myself as someone who is seeking the most suitable work experiences. The questions it asks have lead me to some realizations, so I look forward to discovering what else this book will help me do. Not surprisingly, the author spends a great deal of time focusing on having a positive attitude. That’s something I’ve struggled with continually and that was a major reason why I started this blog.

My parting thoughts for this post is that I keep thinking more and more about how I want to spend my time. I hear so clearly time and time again from various people how important it is to honor what’s in your heart when thinking of how to spend this gift we call our life. So, a month early, I am vowing to keep up with the momentum I started last year during Lent to listen to my life and honor what feels wrong and try to fix it. Also, I want to honor what feels right. I want to say Yes to things I want to do, without feeling guilty about what I’ll have to let go. I want to say No to things I know will waste my time. I want to continue to have wonderful time with my wonderful husband – after all, we spent the first years of our relationship long distance, waiting for this time in our lives that we could be together all the time. I’m paying close attention to my everyday happiness. I want to add a regular service commitment to my new year, so I’m seeking that out. I want to do all this with gentleness, forgiveness, and kindness in mind — for others, but also for myself.  Because I’ve been way too tough on myself. Which causes me to be tough on others.

I say all this in hopes that by writing it, I’ll be held to it. Also, I hope that if someone out there struggles similarly that my words will be helpful. I keeping thinking of what Henry Ford said: “Whether you think you can or think you can’t — you’re right.”  I want to think I can. I want to believe I can.

Thanks for reading! Hope your holiday season is off to a good start!

It is one of two annual pilgrimages we are making to Helen, Georgia’s Oktoberfest. We’re going next weekend, too, with friends we met in Munich a few years back. They live in D.C. so we are lucky to have hung out with them a few times stateside.

Ah, so yes, Helen is one of our happy places. We can’t wait to walk around and we are going to picnic and we will go to the Festhalle tonight to enjoy traditional Oktoberfest music as well as its culinary delight. We are prepared to dress in our trachten: Josef in his lederhosen and I in my dirndl.

I got to thinking about the phrase “happy place” a few days ago. From seeing a friend who lives in Texas who posted her family’s vacation pictures from a trip to Disney – the Happiest Place on Earth – to thoughts of my own childhood brought about by people mentioning peaches and rainbows (stay with me, I will get there), and thinking about our upcoming trip to Helen, I considered how places can and often do make us happy.

But why?

My friend from Texas posted a very honest account on her blog of their Disney trip, even admitting that she felt badly admitting that their trip wasn’t perfect, in that there were tears from her daughter at times and they all had times of being tired and cranky, but even so, it really was a wonderful trip and they will go back again!

Of course! It’s Disney! I would love to go and I don’t even have children. We have a young friend from church who is working at Disney this semester as part of their hospitality program. I will be very interested to see what all she gets out of the experience. I hope it remains as a special place to her as I know her to be someone who holds Disney near to her heart. I hope it can remain a happy place for her.

This past week we were in a meeting at work and a colleague was munching on a peach. Another colleague mentioned that peaches were not her favorite fruit. Part of me felt wounded, bruised as easily as a peach, to hear that someone could dislike peaches. I grew up surrounded by peach orchards. It was and still is a huge industry in upstate South Carolina. Peaches, I realized, are part of who I am, and I am loyal to loving peaches and always will be.

Also this past week, another colleague mentioned seeing a rainbow on her way to work. Then she saw a double rainbow a few days later and posted a picture of it on Facebook. I told her about a hill that was the eastern horizon of our line of site on the property where I grew up. It was a hill adjacent to our yard which was covered by one of the peach orchards and we were often treated to a late afternoon rainbow in the eastern sky as the sun began dropping in the west. What a feast it was for the eyes. I am sure I saw dozens of rainbows in that setting in the 14 years I lived there, the first 14 years of my life.

The mentioning of peaches and rainbows has me thinking about where I grew up, and I am really looking forward to going to see my family before the end of the month. My home church is having a reunion, so that will also be a happy place for me to go back to see.

What is your happy place? Do you have several as well? I have many more I haven’t mentioned. I think life is a collection of happy places. Whether a place is beautiful or something beautiful happened there, looking back on happy places and returning to them in person or in our minds, it is a great gift to to be able to transport ourselves to them whenever we need to be uplifted.

Thanks for reading!

PS: Our dog, Hunter, is 12 today! He is older than Josef’s and my relationship!

I realized I had a free evening tonight, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do: write a blog post!

I’ve been really busy the last while. We went to the beach, and after the beach it was back to work, and then we had many days of preparation for Josef’s birthday party as well as spending about a week celebrating Josef’s birthday. Makes sense, given his birthday was on a Wednesday that we spent both bookend weekends celebrating!

We had the third annual Augustfest, Josef’s birthday party. It was a ton of work (mostly on Josef’s end, admittedly) to get ready, but boy was it fun! I’ll post some pics later as Josef has them on his computer.

A month ago, we were on Edisto Island having Freeman family time! It was a lot of fun, but the time passed by too quickly. I love my family so much, and it’s interesting to realize the range of emotions I experience around my family. Mostly it’s happy — as I said, I love my family! But it’s also just astounding how quickly our nieces and nephew have grown. They are already calling the shots as the next generation. I joked with my sisters that there was a lot of “sassing” on this beach trip, as the ten-year-old and two eight-year-olds had definite ideas about what they wanted to do. I know they treasure this time together. Our nephew, Freeman (my sister’s and my maiden name), is five, and he’s a trip! I really think he’s a Justin Timberlake in training. He has some great dance moves! As I mentioned, the time passed way too quickly, so I feel sad that I didn’t get to talk to my family members as much as I thought I would have. Josef seemed to really enjoy himself, which also made me happy. My favorite day was when Josef and I went sea kayaking. It was really river kayaking, but it was amazing and educational, actually! We learned a lot, and it was a feast for the eyes and soul being out on the water in such a beautiful setting. I didn’t want to leave Edisto!

Being back at work after the week off was honestly difficult. I felt like so much had changed in a week, even though I realized after a while that it was only my perception that things had changed. I think it was getting away and gaining some perspective on my work transition. I am actually really sad about leaving my old job, but I know as time goes on, it will get better. I actually had an email this past Friday about how they were talking about filling my position, but if I wanted to come back, to let them know. It caused a lot of emotions to stir up. It was hard to think about it all over again — I thought everyone knew I was really gone, so the presentation of the possibility to return caused me to pause and consider: did I make the right decision. It was with a tearfully composed response to their email that I replied that I would only be in the same position I was in before, so I know in that aspect, I made the right decision. And my old workplace was once unfamiliar to me, as my new one is, and I grew to love the old one. I need to give my new workplace time to grow on me. I also know that I won’t have to scramble to fill in the gaps of time I had to fill in my old position (it was 8 months out of the year, the other 4 being filled by the grace of God through various other assignments at the school). I will visit my old school this week because my new school recruits students from there — it’s going to be weird! I am really worried that I will dissolve into tears! I am praying to be strong.

That’s all for now. I’m okay, I’ve just been busier than normal. I’m really looking forward to Labor Day Weekend. I’m ready to welcome in the cool days of autumn.

Thanks for reading.

One of my friends told me she was actually worried about me, and wondered what was going on with me and what was I keeping so private that she wouldn’t know about. Whoops!

So, no, I didn’t really mean to put a password on my blog post. There are no secrets on this blog, except for whatever I choose to leave off of this blog. That’s just being coy and smart about what I reveal, not being secretive. Got it? I’m not secretive.

Also, I tend to want to write after I’ve given something some thought. I don’t write for the sake of writing. I write after I’ve mulled a topic over, realized I want to blog it out as a way of dealing with whatever my brain is super-glued to at the moment, and then write it out to pry my brain off that topic. So not only am I not secretive, I also am not magical in that I can’t mull over my thoughts and feel inspired on a more frequent basis.  Perhaps I don’t require that much catharsis, is all.

But, I am going to the beach next week! That doesn’t require any mulling to blog about. How about I keep the location a surprise so I’ll have something to tell you about later? Great, sounds good.

This post makes no sense. Thanks for reading anyway!

My new issue?

In short, I am feeling old.

I’m the youngest of three girls and am the youngest grandchild on one side of the family. I’ve also enjoyed a long run of being youngest or on the younger side in my work place. I enjoy people who are older than I am, as I always did growing up. I did deal with feelings of inadequacy due to feeling too young, but now I am on the other side of the equation.

My concern was brought about by the fact that in my new job, I am a bit on the mature side. There are members of my department who are senior to me and substantially younger than I am. It feels like I have been in a career coma and now that I am waking up, my peers are people who weren’t even in college when I graduated college.

I really, really like my colleagues. I enjoy talking to them and getting to know them. I know we’re going to work well together and have some fun times together.  I am sensing a huge shift in who I am in my work setting. I am becoming a bit of a mother hen, which I actually enjoy.  Because I am a little older and have been through some more things than some of my colleagues, I feel like I can offer big sisterly advice. I’ve only been a big sister in my sorority, and that is definitely not the same, because in school, you’re supposed to keep getting older with your classmates who are your year. In school, you are used to there being students older than you and, over time, slightly younger.

Trust me, I do not actually want to be hung up on this topic. I think its novelty is pressing on me, and I will eventually get over it to a certain extent. No matter what I am in a better work situation than I was for the last six years. I did wake up from that coma, so to speak, that I was in a dead end situation and no was advocating for me.

Last night we had dinner with some friends and the topic of self-advocation came up. We were trying to convince one of our dinner party hosts that it has been five years since he started his job, and because he works in a place where he can advance without surpassing his supervisor – in other words, get a promotion that still would keep the relationship essentially the same between him and his supervisor – that perhaps it’s time to have that conversation with his boss.  He looked terrified.  I told him that if I learned anything from the last six months of my life, it’s that you have to learn how to advocate for yourself.

I hope he does gain the strength to advocate for himself.  I advised him that the conversation has to be about him and that he has to let his supervisor know he needs her help to get where he wants. Furthermore, it will make her look good if she is helping him advance in his career. All this from someone who would have trembled at the thought of having this type of conversation myself in the past.

It’s a tricky and daunting scenario to consider, of course, but by not advocating for what you want out of your career, you essentially give folks in leadership the excuse to keep you where you are.  It was only when I started advocating for myself at my old company that I saw that they had very little motivation to help me grow to where I wanted to be.  I was frustrated that no matter what, I was never included in discussions concerning my employment, which really doesn’t make sense.  In the words of someone close to me who also recently had to advocate for herself, I had trusted that I had been treated fairly in the past, only to discover I had actually been treated badly.

In short, I would much rather work in a lively environment surrounded by my new young go-getter colleagues where I have an actual prayer of advancement within the next few years than stuck in a role that wasn’t going to change because everyone who could have helped me with my goals were more interested in keeping things as they were. I will get over this age difference thing and figure out ways to lend my mature, calm nature to the overall success of my new work team. All I can do is my best, of course!

I do really like my new job. I have been there for three weeks and am looking forward to learning new things in the coming weeks.  I work with a lot of really nice and interesting people, and they’re fun to be around.  It’s a whole new world to me in a lot of ways, but it’s been exciting to learn a new job and think of things I can be doing to better myself within this context.

Still I remain baffled by the changes in my life and that work, family, neighborhood, and church are the only things really going on in my life, as opposed to adding on a weekly (plus) singing commitment, coaching, and my other work roles. It feels like a leisurely pace for me as I face this fall. Not knowing how crazy this year will be, I feel good that I am really available to work really hard, as I don’t have other commitments competing for my attention as I have in the past.  Before I become a mother, I know I want a solid career under my belt, so that I can have more options when we do become parents.

I just hope I can be patient with myself as I daydream about what else I want to do with my life.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts!

I’ve definitely whittled down my many commitments.

I’m not singing in my a cappella group anymore. I’ve honored my true feelings about feeling exhausted from a weekly commitment that started to be a drain on my happiness. I started to value my own time more. I started thinking about my own musical growth and how I used my involvement this this group as an excuse to never try new things. I still adore the women I shared this group with. I still think the time I spent – 7 years! – was all worth it. I am a seasoned performer because of this group. I can get up and sing in front of thousands of strangers without any nerves because of this experience (as we did when we sang for the Braves, where I also sang the solo for “God Bless America”). Back to honoring my true feelings though, I was unhappy and needed to move on, and I think with my honesty and willingness to go through a sabbatical before finally quitting, I was able to really extricate myself and still be friends with those I loved most in that group.

You may recall I set a goal to find a new job.

Well, I start a new job on Monday.

I did it. I found a job that is year-round, full time, and will help me grow in my career. I will still be helping young people figure out if the institution where I work is the one for them. I’ll be moving from the independent school (a.k.a. private school) world to college admissions. I’m so thrilled to be making this change. It’s going to be so much to take on, but it’s going to be good for me and will open up so many great avenues for me down the road. It’s going to be tough to leave the school where I work now, just as it was difficult to leave my singing group, but it will be worthwhile to explore this new avenue at a new institution!

And you may have heard of the place I’m going. It’s called Georgia Tech!  Yeah, it will be great, and I am so excited about working with the people I’ve met through the interview process. And I even have sorority sisters working on campus in other capacities. I’m really happy about this change. I’m so grateful to God for helping me discern this decision. I’d asked time and time again for help in figuring out my career path, and once I made up my mind it was to work in admissions, everything fell into place!

The final change in my life was precipitated by making the decision to change careers. My new job won’t allow time for me to keep coaching the cheerleaders at school. I’m pretty bummed, but I’m so happy that the girls have a great coach who’s agreed to step in and this squad is already such a great, sweet, talented bunch. I can’t wait to come back in the fall to see them cheer at games. It was such a bittersweet experience to have to give up this part of my life, but I know that it’s all for the best.

In other news, here are those renovation pics I promised:

Bathroom looking back into bedroom. The shower and bathtub are to your right, so just pretend you can see them. And we did replace that burned out bulb above the sink.

We used window casing to frame out our plate glass mirror. Then we painted it white.

Looking around the other side of the bathroom into our closet.

Up close and personal with the shower.

Pretty tub. The fixtures on the tub match the fixtures at the sink.

The bright blue pendant was there already. I used some matching accesories to make that color tie in to the color palate of the bathroom.

Ooh la la, check out that flowy granite on our vanity.

Vanity and Mirror. Granite and blue paint. Yay!

The bedroom, peeking into the bathroom.

Looking back toward the hallway. Don't the floors look pretty? We continue our Square theme with the Ikea bookcase. I'm using it for clothing storage in the drawers across the bottom row.

Looking back to the bathroom and the hall. Josef and his parents gave me that mirror for my birthday last year. It's so pretty and fits in perfectly with its new surroundings.

Did you spot Josef in the picture?

Another corner of the bedroom. Josef installed those lights above the bookcase. He's so talented!

That’s a wrap, for now, on the renovation! We still need to put books in the bookcase, get bedding and curtains, and figure out artwork for the blank walls, but we will get there. We want to only put things in there that we love.

I feel so happy in our new space. Yet another change 2011 has brought about.  It’s such a nice retreat and feels so fresh and clean. The color palate really relaxes me. I enjoy that our master suite reminds me of a fancy hotel suite. Josef and I share a huge sense of accomplishment over our project. He did an amazing job organizing the outside contractors and in managing the whole project. It all happened during my busy season at work, so I helped when I could.

I offered strong opinions and helped lift things and paint things, but Josef definitely did the lion’s share and I am proud to know him and to be married to him. Love him!

Thanks for reading!

As in, it doesn’t motivate me to finagle my way into a position of authority. I am perfectly cool with being an independent follower, as in, give me some guidelines and I will follow them to the extent we’re both happy.

When I have been called to be a leader, like in my singing group, I was really motivated to work on aspects of the group I felt needed to be changed, but with the approval and consensus of those involved, as I would never, ever take a dictatorial stance on things. Even when I become a parent, I imagine my proclivity to listen will set my child on more equal footing when it comes to debatable topics. This is not to say I don’t have strong opinions — I just respect others’ strong opinions a little too much, probably. At the expense of my opinions.

Peacemaking intentions don’t always bring about peace though. By not standing up to the other leaders in my group, I didn’t accomplish the things I’d set out to do because I let myself come to believe that their wishes were better for the group. Then, when the group was upset, I basically had zero recourse as I had gone along with the more vocalized issues put forth by my co-leaders.

I feel the same about doing what is best for myself.  If I have learned anything from my LOR, it is to really listen to myself.

The outside influences, though, really cripple me.

For instance:

Last week, I was feeling fit and fabulous!  I felt trim, pretty, and like the world was my oyster (or whatever the phrase is that means everything is going well for me).  I was at work and had gone to lunch.  I saw an older male colleague who had just celebrated a major accomplishment and I wanted to offer my congratulations to him.  After I had told him how happy I was for him, and we shot the breeze about some other stuff we had in common, he asked me, “When are you due?”

I was humiliated. Thinking I had misheard him, but knowing I had not, I replied, “Due for what?”

“Aren’t you expecting?”

“No.”

It’s awkward. He went on to tell me someone had told him I was.  I told him that, no, I wasn’t, had never been, and had never told anyone that I was.

He made the situation EVEN worse by asking, “well, weren’t you before?”

“No!”

I feel like running for Mrs. America, and my platform will be DO NOT ASK IF A WOMAN IS PREGNANT. SHE WILL TELL YOU IF SHE IS.

Geez!

I honestly feel at this point that I should do one of a few things:

1. email my entire work place and tell them I am not pregnant

2. wear a t-shirt that says “I’m Not Pregnant!”

3. Stop eating and spend the rest of my life exercising.  Because clearly having a healthy lifestyle doesn’t do enough for my physique.

What makes all of this worse is that I have friends who are in the trenches, working on trying to get pregnant and haven’t quite made it there.  Pregnancy is already such a weighty issue on its own, in other words.

I feel like the power of what body image should be is dictated by our culture, as well as how assumptions are formed about people based on their body image.  A girl is too skinny? She must be anorexic. A girl is too fat? Oh, she must be a couch potato. A girl has a big middle? Awwwwwww, she’s pregnant! Let’s just say for the sake of my argument that none of these assumptions are true, because I know from personal conversations with women in my life that there are women of every shape and size whose body shape belies what is actually going on with them.

What I hate the most is how these assumptions about my particular body is how much collateral damage it costs me. I have been sucking in my stomach for a week. I have been questioning my posture, clothing, diet, exercise, and more all because one person heard a false statement (actually two false statements, given his second question!) about me. Why am I so fragile?

Confidence is a hard thing for me to hold on to. The last time I wrote, I was feeling really good about myself and my audition.  Well, it that audition only taught me that no matter how it goes in the audition, you still might not be their “type” or what they want. Even for completely different shows.  I am trying to tell myself that I did well, that I am talented, and that they are crazy for not casting me.  I am trying to tell myself that I cannot count my self-worth based on not getting cast for this particular time. It hurts though. The power of rejection hurts afresh each time.  Much like my friends who would like to have a baby, each time they find out the answer isn’t “right now.”

As a Christian, I am often responding to the pattern of my life through discernment.  That door closed? God wants me to pry the window open.  That’s a dead end? God wants me to turn around, look at my steps, and see where else I can go.  I know that even when things go wrong and I am pitifully upset about it, something better will come along that will mean more to me because it will have been earned through prayer, reflection, and trust in God.  That’s the only thing that consoles me sometimes.

My voice coach said to me, when I asked him how to not get psyched out as I waited on my my turn at the audition, that I should ask people that I love why they love me.  Then, no matter how the audition went, if I cracked my high note or fell on my face by tripping over my own feet, then that won’t matter because Josef loves me, my friends love me, my colleagues love me, my neighbors love me, my parents and in-laws love me, my students love me.  He said waiting is all a head game anyway.

Life is a lot of waiting, and a lot of head games.  While it keeps things interesting to have things coming up that may or may not work out, or pursuits for improvement may or may not make things better, set backs can and do happen.  While I don’t mean to dwell on the negatives,  I do need to pay attention to why set backs get me so terribly down and have longer-lasting effects than success has.

One thing I think this perspective gives me is the ability to be really happy and celebratory for good things that happen to others.  I want good things for other people as much as I want them for myself.

I am waiting on a few things that might happen for me, but if TWO good things happen for me, then I’ll have a tough decision to make.

Oh, LIFE!!

This past Friday, I auditioned for a local professional theatre company. It was a general audition for their entire season coming up, so we’re talking about shows that will run through next June. One of them is Gypsy, which is what the blog title references.  That phrase, “Let me entertain you,” most certainly changes meaning through the course of the show!

I’ve been working with a really, really awesome and dynamic vocal coach. He’s a professional actor and musician, and he takes his career and teaching very seriously. Oh, it was just what I needed! He’s wonderful and says nice things about me, AND he’s quick to tell me when I am doing something wrong and how to fix it.

I was growing really tired of folks telling me how great I am — I know, poor me — but weren’t telling me what I could do to be where I want to be — that is, audition successfully for a show.  I needed honest feedback about what I was doing wrong and learn about what areas to address so I could concrete work on them.  Just like with any sport a serious athlete would pursue, I needed to know what skills I was lacking and I needed to master new skills I didn’t even know about.

I felt like, to continue with the athlete metaphor, I was a tennis player with good form and so-so technique, but that everyone said was great, even though I’d never won a match. Ever. Any serious tennis player — and coach, for that matter — would address what areas to improve and what behaviors to change to reach the best outcomes.

On Monday, I had my last lesson with my coach before the Friday evening audition.  I was really pumped that he said great things about me and he said they’d be stupid not to cast me in something. He said some other really nice things. The best part of our lessons is that they are recorded, so I can listen to the exercises and corrections and feedback. As much as I pride myself on being a visual person, it was important and so very useful to have audio proof that I am good and my coach says I am ready. That made all the difference in the world. I’ve worked very hard on perfecting the exercises he has me doing, I listen in my car all the time and sing along, and I have a much better outlook on auditioning now.

I maintained a level of excitement all week for my audition. While I was nervous and thought about it a lot, I wasn’t to the point of obsession I’ve been in the past. This is because I was equally confident as well as way more prepared than I have been in the past.  Midweek I went out and got a dress to wear based on what my coach’s guidelines recommended, and kept my cool as the big day approached. Feeling prepared helped me relax into the mood that the task was at hand and I was ready.

Friday came along and I still just felt really calm and prepared. I left work a little early so I could see Josef (he was working a half day) and pet the doggie before I headed out to the audition. I had a little difficulty finding it because the directions were wrong AND the instructions failed to mention that the facility was part of a greater facility. No worries, though, as I was plenty early and Josef helped me find it when I called him.

I ran into a girl I actually know (she’s a real-deal professional actress, which is fun) and was able to get in the line pretty close the front (sweet!) right at 5:00 to get my number (#14). I knew the actual audition didn’t start until 6:00, so I came in street clothes and planned to change, knowing I’d have time.

Which I did. I had plenty of time. I was dressed and ready to go by 5:45, and went to sit and wait, thinking we’d start at 6:00. I kept my ipod on the recording of my last vocal session and kept listening to myself sing my song over and over. I had warmed up in the car and kept humming scales.

If you’re into people watching at all, you MUST go to an audition sometime. It’s such an interesting cross section of people.

There’s the group of really pretty girls, all gussied up. You’re supposed to be intimidated by them if you are not one of them.  They are roughly 18-22 years old. They have glossy long hair, the perfect (not too much) amount of makeup, perfect skin and teeth. And yet there’s still something a little unrefined about them; either they sit a little too much unladylike out of ignorance, or they have the ashen pallor of someone about to walk across coals or get a major tattoo, or they are freaking out because their nerves are so spent from worrying. Or, they spend the entire waiting time socializing, singing loudly and dancing around, which is almost like they are “auditioning” for you, the waiting audience, and you should see how great they are and just send yourself on home.

Then there are girls who want to be “different.” They wear loud print dresses with varying levels of skin revealed, loud and very tall shoes, and big hair. They are usually orange from too much tanning.

Then there are the girls who show up in shorts and a t-shirt, thinking this opportunity to be one not to take too seriously. They spend the entire waiting period freaking out because they realize just how underdressed they really are.

There’s a smattering of really cute kids auditioning for the show. Some are more savvy about the business, have been in past shows, and are quite precocious. I met one such young girl, I’ll call Starla, as I stood in line to sign in. She turned out to be #12.  She was extremely friendly in that way that makes you feel like, even though she’s a kid, she’s sizing you up.   All the same, it’s always nice to have pleasant conversation with folks, and since I like kids (I’m an aunt and I work in a school) I enjoyed chatting with her.  Through the course of the wait, Starla befriended tons of the other people auditioning.

In addition to Starla are some wide-eyed kids who clearly had little experience with this sort of thing. I felt badly for them, because they probably truly wanted to be there, but seeing kids like Starla and seeing lots of people who seemed to know what they were doing probably freaked them out.  A lot.  These less experienced kids cling to their mothers like baby livestock.

There were also some men, but not very many.

And there were Equity actors and actresses who showed up and got to go at the beginning of the line.

6:00 p.m. came and went. Everyone waited. Noise levels increased as the 100 or so people waited. The line kept growing of folks arriving to audition. They were the ones who looked the most perplexed, as they realized how late they were. (“I’m number 117. What number are they on? Oh, they haven’t even started???”)

6:30 p.m. came and went. See above. Change that quote in parenthesis to 149.

Folks are definitely antsy and getting upset, a captive bunch. The Pretty girls make snarky comments about the “different” girls. Teenagers bundle together to gossip, and a mixture of the pretty girls, different girls, and three teenage boys forms a clique. Interesting.

7:00 p.m. came. Finally, they called some high numbers, and folks realized these were the Equity actors. The really, really good people that will get all the leads. But that’s okay.

Starla gives one of the pretty girls a stick of gum. She winks at me as she flits by.

7:15 p.m. – not much movement, so I made my way to the front desk to stand and wait.  That’s when I find out the first group of 10 has already gone back to audition. None of us who had been less than 15 feet away had heard that announcement, so I was grateful I had moved closer to hear.

7:25 p.m. – I see my friend come of of the first group of auditions (she was number 4 I think). She tells me it went well and I am happy for her.

7:35 p.m. – They called my group!! They called my group!!!  Starla was in my group, so we gave each other reassuring smiles as our group gathered.

The ten of us march up lots of stairs. (This facility was awesome, by the way! Lots of practice rooms for everything music or dance related.)

I waited just a little while longer to sing, as they let all the kids in the group go first and then let some Equity Actors go. Then they got to going back to the sequence.

A man who was #11 came back from singing and said they were not allowing anyone to go over 16 bars, so if you were planning to sing more, we better make new plans.  Luckily, I was fine in my selection, as my vocal coach, who has worked with this company, told me my selection was fine.

Finally, it was my turn!

I went in, smiled, did everything I was told. I had decided earlier to really play up the comedy of my song snippet, and it paid off big time as the panel of 8 people really cracked up.  I know I had some timing issues with the accompanist, but it was because he played it differently than my vocal coach did. I didn’t react at all, just kept rolling and did the song on automatic, with some in-the-moment staging that just seemed to come about, which really worked out for the acting part. At one point, I heard my voice giving way to nerves but for once I was able to address it and hunker down to control it. I was going to do my best, no matter what!

I made them laugh!! That is so awesome that I got a reaction!! Usually, I’ve gone in there and they blandly say “thank you” to me so I’ll go away. But I know I nailed my high note and had a strong ending. And making them laugh means that I successfully conveyed my character’s emotions, so that felt like another form of success in and of itself.

I stayed for the dance audition just to further my chances of getting something. I am “more of a mover than a dancer” according to my voice coach, and he said that by not changing into dancewear I would indicate that I am not a serious dancer.

Starla, clearly a talented dancer at her tender young age, got to go in the adult group. She changed for her dance audition, too.  As we were stretching, she said that she had heard my song and that I had done great! It was incredibly sweet of her to say that, and I told her how sorry I was that I hadn’t heard her, as I was sure she was great, too.

“What did you sing?” I asked her.

“I sang ‘Let Me Entertain You’ from ‘Gypsy,’” she said, a confident twinkle in her eyes.  She knew she had rocked it.

I wondered to myself if she had any clue what the show is about, like in the second half.

The dance routine was challenging for me, but I would have picked it up with a little more time. Also, I didn’t realize we were auditioning the whole time we were learning it. I thought the dance teacher was going to make us go one by one. But then she got all our numbers (I was doing minimized motions of the routine, thinking we’d be going again) and sent us on our way. So, I was finally done!!

I have no idea what kind of impression I made. They had two more days of auditions to get through and I might not be right for any roles they need to fill, so I am choosing to be happy that I kept my cool, stayed focused, stayed confident, and gave my absolute best.  This would not have been possible without finding the best coach to address my issues.

That’s my most recent accomplishment, and I have to say, it feels great.

I feel great.

I know I still owe you renovation pics, but I have to take some pictures to post. Plus, we are still getting everything to be just the way we want it to be, so the renovation is being a diva and is not ready for her close up.

Guess what I am doing right now that I haven’t done in a long time (besides updating my blog)? Nope, not watching TV, although I will get to that.

I am hula-hooping while I write this blog post! I did this a while back and it still cracks me up a little that I can hula-hoop and blog at the same time.

So, Lent is over and I am actually happy to say that I don’t really want to stop with my LOR. I tried to watch TV, the only thing I actually gave up for Lent, but I felt like I had total ADD and couldn’t concentrate. I kept reading a book (love Jeannette Walls!) and getting distracted by household chores I wanted to do, so I kept ignoring the attempts of the TV to entertain me.

I have really failed at drinking water. That was my major struggle during Lent and even after Lent. I have to keep this up — it’s just too good for me as a singer and with maintaining weight (or weight loss) to stop attempting this habit.

I aced the walking part. Total slam dunk. Now, I think I should up that daily goal to at least 5 miles and/or walking the dog each day.

Reading the Lectionary text is also something I enjoy, and I can see myself possibly keeping that up. I love reading the Psalms and the Gospels the most.

I made a new chart in my journal as I did for Lent. I started with yesterday and essentially laid out the next three and a half weeks. I also wrote in upcoming events so that as I am recording how I did each day I can take note of what’s coming up. Luckily there are a lot of exciting things coming up, despite having a bit of a dark cloud parked over my head.

I have a little over a month to find a new job.

No small feat.

I’m keeping up a terrific momentum and have some definite possibilities of varying excitement to me, but until I have this puzzle piece figured out — an extremely important puzzle piece that touches so many areas of my and Josef’s lives — it’s going to loom over me and distress me.

I really think my daily routine that I have established will be the most helpful list of things to do in order to stay sane and positive during this time. It was tremendously useful and beneficial to me already, and after taking a weekend (well, Sunday) off from the routine PLUS ate a ton of Easter candy, I felt terrible! Monday was really rough and I think it’s because I wasn’t drinking water and sticking to my routine. After buckling down again yesterday, today has been much better for my mindset and abilty to feel optimistic again.

Okay, renovation pictures promised for next time! Thanks for reading!

This Lent has been unlike any other Lent ever in my life. I feel like the last 40 days (I am including Sundays so I have 7 days to go) have been life-changing. For something that was concocted, honestly, very quickly and slap-dashidly, it sure cut to some of my issues.

I feel like a much healthier, balanced version of myself after the patterns I have been upholding for my LOR. Each night I record in my journal whether or not I reached each of my four goals to drink a gallon of water, not watch TV, walk at least a mile, and read the Bible. I also write down activties of the day and how I am feeling — not with a lot of detail as there is very limited space, but enough to observe patters later on. I am very honest about my feelings, which is important, as I am perfectly willing to lie to everyone and say I am fine, and I even lie to myself when I don’t really check in.

I was frustrated at first that I didn’t seem to be losing weight, but that is because I was being impatient. Which is a trait I have, and I own it. I can be really patient about some things and bend over backwards for people all the time in order to make them happy, but when it comes to trying at my own happiness, my patience is very limited. I sincerely felt so gross and fat the first half of Lent. But, not vegging in front of the tv really has paid dividends. I used to come home after work and turn on HGTV, eat a snack or two, eat dinner, and then It was suddenly 8:00 and I hadn’t done any laundry, dishes, walked the dog, or anything else I wish I had accomplished. Little by little, spending this time not hanging out on the couch has helped me get a lot done and I am indeed finally weighing less. All told, I think I have lost 5 pounds. I was carrying a lot of water weight at first, because, duh, I was drinking at least 8 pounds of water each day and goign to the bathroom wasn’t enough to satisfy me on the scale. All the walking as well as the water intake has made a big impact on my overall happiness and I am more comfortable in my own skin and clothing.

Some sidebar things have happened during Lent this year that have also greatly impacted me. One is that I’ve gone on sabbatical from my a cappella group, as a way of determining that I really am a busy person without my group in my life, to the point that I know I can offically quit as I don’t know how I will have time for it anymore! Plus, now that I am working with my super awesome voice coach, I don’t need my group to satisfy me vocally.

The other sidebar thing is a source of huge sadness for Josef and me. Some of our friends, because of something unfortunate that went down, have been going through a bad time and the way it has to be handled means we can’t really see them anymore (at least so far). Sorry to be so vague, but I can’t really come up with a clever comparison to offer to help you understand the situation. Basically, though, we are really sad that our friends can’t be part of a certain part of our lives anymore. While we hope that we can still be friends with them despite this circumstance, we know it may never be possible to have something similar to what we had going before. Sadly, we have to accept it and know that they are handling everything as best they can and even though we have told them how much we love them and want to see them, we have tp be accepting that they aren’t necessarily going to want to see or be comfortable with us yet. Again, sorry to be vague, but it’s a situation that happened to coincide with Lent and I can’t help but align the timing with this separation and subsequent pain and its many questions. In a way, the bleakness of the outset of Lent and the subsequent hope-filled progression toward Easter has help me to personally deal with this experience.

I fully admit that this is probably a really bizarre way of dealing with things going wrong or as a result of making changes in my life, but I do feel as though this particular Lent has been the most personally meaningful one to me yet. It makes me really grateful to those who decided long ago that we needed to observe the major events of Christ in the human confines — and attention spans — of one year. And even more truly, we liturgial-minded Christians make a bigger deal about Advent through Pentecost, which, being generous, is about half a year. So what is the other half? How should the other half live?

I have two new goals, somewhat related to this other half.

My college’s motto was “Dum vivimus servimus” which translates to “while we live, we serve.” It’s a faith-filled, works-based approach to life. I knew over a year ago I was way too comfortable with my routine. I knew I had some aspirations of giving to others, but it simply was not my routine to make it happen. Each day I pass twice a group of buildings that house life-changing ministries., yet I never step in to help. It’s embarrassing to think about the help I’ve withheld. So one of my new goals is to incorporate an active form of service into my life. Today was our church’s annual day of service and this point hit home to me once again: I find the most joy in the core of my being when I am serving others and really helping them. Today we prepared two apartments for two refugee families that will move here in a few weeks. They will have nothing but the clothes on their backs. They won’t know English or anything about Atlanta. But they will have a support system thanks to the company we worked through today, to earn a living, learn the language, and live a life of freedom unlike anything they could have ever imagined. We prepared these apartments so lovingly, all day long today. We cleaned, we arranged, we daydreamed about what would make them happy in their new home. How humbling to serve these families who have been through untold horror. I hope that the love we feel toward these families, whose names and faces we don’t know, can somehow lift them up as they live in the space we fixed up for them today. So, I need to figure out a way I can serve on a more regular basis.

My other goal is to get a new job, either where I work or a place like it. I need to work hard and be in a position that is mine all year long. It is very hard to me to have to figure out each year how to bridge the gap during the 4 months I am not in my admissions role. Thankfully, I have been able to find something each year, but this does not ultmately provide the job security I should have. I am very grateful that God has provided for me all this time, and I have complete faith that the perfect opportunity is out there waiting on my phone call, visit, or email.

Alright, it is bed time and we have new sheets on our bed! The master suite renovation is so very close to being done. It’s so very exciting and I can’t wait to show you pictures for the big reveal!!

Hope you are having a great weekend! Thanks for reading!