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One thing that drove me absolutely bonkers as a child was the daily experience of feeling left out. Of everything, it seemed.
I am the youngest of three girls. My two sisters are 5 and 7 years older than I, so developmentally we were on different tracks much of the time – and they were clearly far more advanced once I was old enough to want to do everything they did! Back then, whether they were doing homework, talking on the phone, french braiding hair, learning to drive, getting ready for prom, etc., I was like that little yippee dog that jumps up and down, trying to take a peek or to get noticed – or both. I am sure I was super-annoying, but everything I was mentally or physically able to do at that point was not nearly as exciting as what they were up to. The few times I gained admission into their world was like stepping into the presence of the Almighty – an honor, sort of frightening, but entirely worthwhile. Even when they would include me, it was fun, but I could tell that whatever they were up to was beyong my realm.
Most of the time, though, I was shut out. This was not meanness on their part, but I didn’t know it then. Because we lived out in the country, I didn’t have a group of friends readily accessible. So, I spent a good amount of time angry at my sisters or my parents for making me feel left out. Boredom and anger drove me to entertain myself.
I sometimes still feel left out when I think about how my sisters now have children in elementary school while we haven’t even started to have children yet. I feel left out on behalf of our unborn children, which is absolutely silly of me.
In high school and college, I hit rock bottom emotionally quite a few times. Even though I was part of groups, had good friends, there were days where I felt like I was left out, and even invisible. What a painful way to go through life. I think when I finally left school – an institution of life where even though you are there, you don’t necessarily belong – I had to work as I should have all along to establish friendships and my leadership potential. Everything I’ve done since college has been on my own initiative – none of this waiting around, hoping for someone to notice me or force my way in to groups. I get so frustrated looking back at my lump-on-a-log self from back then. I am grateful that I looked up and looked around me and got off of that log.
I worry when, here at age 28, I still experience feeling left out. It’s totally silly, I should be over it. I auditioned for a show back in September, fully expecting that I would get in it. I have not worked with that company before and I am pretty sure I bombed my audition as I never heard back. The show opens in two weeks, so it’s safe to say I didn’t get in. It’s a show that would have a large ensemble, so I don’t get why I wasn’t cast, based on what I hear from others who know me and have heard me sing. If I couldn’t sing, someone would have told me. Maybe it’s my acting. All the same, I didn’t get in, and so I feel left out.
I have to turn to thoughts of where and when I do feel included. This includes feeling needed. I could list them all out, but it’s pretty much everything I’ve listed before for which I am thankful and what I enjoy. I remind myself that by existing and showing the world my interests and using my voice to tell others that they are included, I shine light on the shadow of loneliness that wants to overshadow my life. It won’t win.
So I turn my light on. Let it shine.
Here in the land of positive thinking, I have come across many things that SOUND positive, but darkness lurks beneath. So, today’s post is about Phrases That Sound Nice, But Just Aren’t. Most of these phrases are learned early on and we say them without even thinking. I am sure I have used them, so it’s not like I am putting myself on an ethical or ettiquette-driven pedestal.
“I hate to tell you but ______” I’ve heard this introduction to a comment MORE often when the comment was something that the speaker didn’t mind in the least sharing with the person to whom he or she was speaking. A boy in my 2nd grade class tried to use this phrase on me, and as I listened to his intent paired with the words he spoke, I said, “then just don’t tell me.” Stopped him in his tracks. I have no idea what this serious conversation in 2nd grade would have been about, but clearly this interaction had a lasting impression on me! The phrase pops out at me whenever I hear it.
“Could you do me a favor?” (After I’ve nodded my head, the asker usually asks me to do something that is either completely out of my way OR something I have already taken care to do.) The asker assumes that 1. She can ask for a favor 2. By asking for a favor in this manner and the person HAS to say yes, and 3. The person will say yes, no questions asked, and 4. The person will be bound by obligation to complete whatever the asker wants. Examples:“Could you do me a favor (pause for the expected answer of YES) and take an hour out of your day to run and errand for me that I suddenly don’t have time to do? Thanks so much!” “Could you do me a favor? (pause for the expected answer of YES) Could you give my dog a bath? Or loan me $1,000? Or dye my hair? Or let me crash on your couch long enough for you to want to start collecting rent from me?” Usually, the initial intent is good, but the eventual request is usually a pain in the butt for the person being asked. Add to that, that if the person using this phrase has had too much success asking for favors, the use of the phrase can extend to anything, however frivolous or trivial.
“Bless her heart.” – The southern way of gossiping about someone and quickly asking forgiveness for having said such a thing. Examples: “That dress is just waaaay to tight on you, bless your heart!” “He’s such a jerk, bless his heart.”
“I love you, but _____.” This is a presentation of something that you’re doing wrong. From someone who supposedly loves you. And it’s usually about trivial things. It is used much like “Bless your heart.” Examples: “I love you, but your hair is ugly.” “I love you, but, you really get on my nerves.” “I love you, but you’ve got to stop dating that jerk. Bless his heart.” What does loving me have to do with things you find wrong with me? Can’t you just say, “hey, I really don’t like the guy you’re dating. He’s a jerk.”
Do you know of other examples like this? Are there times where, for the sake of being polite, people in your life use phrases that, on the surface, seem perfectly good but are actually kind of sinister?
By the way, I am not dating anyone; I am married. And he’s not a jerk. But we can say bless his heart for putting up with me. 
When any wordpress user signs in to check on the ol’ blog, he or she is presented with a question:
“Already hip?” is written above the entry box for your username. It kind of rolls with my need to read things in that I HAVE to read it every time in sign in. Like a ritual. Does that make me un-hip that I have to read it every time? AND I also respond, every time. I go, “Hmm. Well, yeah, I suppose I AM already hip.” And this means I am talking to no one.
Rituals are funny things. My boss just mentioned someone who taught himself to do a door check: upon exiting his house, he pats his front shirt pocket, side pants pocket, and back pants pocket to be sure he has his keys, wallet, and whatever resides in his front shirt pocket. To the unknowing eye, though, it looks like a self-prescribed genuflection. It also occured to me, being the girl who has been in “Fiddler on the Roof” twice, that his motions at the entry of his home could be likened to kissing the mezuzah. Presbyterians don’t typically genuflect or kiss mezuzahs, but we do automatically sit and stand when met with certain musical cues. Another time I am conditioned to rise is when ever I hear “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel’s Messiah.
Sometimes I feel like I am stuck on a conveyor belt when it comes to automatic responses. And this is without having OCD. I turn on my indicators for a turn way too early, but I can’t help it. I always order the same things at restaurants. We got our dog stuck on morning and evening rituals because we’re so flippin’ predictable. I generally always park in the same spot in the parking lots of work, the grocery store, church, and in the same spot at the edge of the yard where Octave rehearses. Weird. I should mix things up.
Are pet peeves labeled as such because we enjoy the things that annoy us? Maybe individualized peeves should be the term instead.
Well, whatever the case, I have peeves. And, admittedly, they are dumb and I am embarrassed at the enormity I give them credit for having.
For instance: in our admissions work, we push a lot of paper. On one part of the application, there’s a space for a picture. The instructions clearly say “attach a recent photo.” This year, we also added a phrase inside the box that says “Please attach a recent photograph to this space.” As in, don’t be lazy or assume we’ll tape a picture to your application for you. Last year, probably 50% of the applications had pictures that were not freakin’ attached. So, of course, nice people that we are, we stop what we’re doing and attach the picure. EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM.
Again, I didn’t say I was proud of this pet peeve.
Another example: in restrooms, when previous occupants either splash water everywhere or leave a huge mess. Well, this one I’m not apologizing for. There’s no excuse. Why do you need to fling water around and leave paper towels everywhere? Are you acting out a play in there?
Or, in public, when people leave trays of food or drinks or whatever just sitting around. After they’ve left. As my 6th grade teacher’s podium proclaimed: Your mother doesn’t work here.
Yeah, that’s because a custodian does. And you just made his or her life harder. Jerk. Yes, someone’s paid to clean up after you, but you can certain muster up enough energy to pick up after yourself. Leave your mess to the privacy of your own home like I do. 
Last pet peeve – and this one embarrasses me because it makes me judgmental – grammar. Particularly when it comes to the use of “I” and “me.” As Mr. Johnson puts it:
“Nominative case pronouns are I, she, he, we, they, and who. They are used as subjects, predicate nominatives, and appositives when used with a subject or predicate nominative. Objective case pronouns are me, her, him, us, them, and whom.”
A lot of the kids – and some of the adults I know – start sentences on a frequent basis with “Me and (fill in name) are going to go do that.” Um, would you say “Me is going to go that?” or, would you say “I am going to do that?” I think you know the answer.
Then there’s the overcorrection of using “I” as an objective rather than nominative. I made this mistake and was swiftly corrected twice, so it’s bugged me ever since:
Incorrect: The teacher gave the test to Larry and I.
Correct: The teacher gave the test to Larry and me.
How can you check? Test it without Larry: The teach gave the test to ME. The teacher can’t give a test to I. Because so many people say it, it sounds proper to say “to Larry and I” but it isn’t grammatically correct.
When I see this or read it, it’s like PING PING PING – an alarm going off in my brain.
Again. I realize this is really dumb. I promise that 99% of the time, I correct myself when I want to correct others by telling myself the soothing mantra that it’s more important to be king than it is to be right.
And I realize that I do things that annoy other people. But I try really hard not to annoy other people, so that might be some people’s pet peeve about me. Who knows. Thanks for reading. I hope I haven’t given you new pet peeves, and please feel free to share your own! (Maybe don’t tell me my mistakes, though, okay? )
