“But that was just a dream” – REM

So early this morning, during what had been a pretty peaceful sleep, aside from 2 bathroom breaks I woke up to take, I had a real winner of a dream. I mean, it was actually really creepy.

We were in our house (which wasn’t the same house that we actually live in, but suspension of disbelief is pretty strong, in my dreams at least), and it was night time turning into day. My husband and I were about to leave to go somewhere, and I was worried about needing to take Hunter out before we left (all quite plausible). I think I was putting on shoes or something, and I looked down at my knees. I had what looked like spiderwebs or cotton puffs in little mounds on my knee caps and the surrounding area – there were two on each leg. I thought it was just some fuzz or something else that was easily removable, so I wiped at them. Turns out the mounds were the protrusion of something sinister going on inside my leg, and the removal of the white wispy material produced hollowed out sacks within my knee area (like how your eyeball is only partly visible, and if it were removed, the whole eye socket would be visible). Oh, it was so gross. The one on my right knee cap was the worst: when I removed the fuzz mound, it produced a huge cavern within my knee, and I could see only what was left of my knee’s insides (even in my dream I had to look away!). The fuzzy stuff had been a fungus that was eating me alive and I hadn’t even noticed. I called to my husband and he picked me up to carry me to the car and he called 911. As he carried me away, I could tell how fearful he was about what was happening to me. I worried for Hunter, as it was definitely time for him to go to the bathroom and I wasn’t sure when we’d be back.

I woke and immediately felt for my knees, which were, thankfully, intact. Phew. Safe again from the stuff of nightmares.

Mean People Suck. And I feel fat.

So, you want to know what I hate most in this world? The inexcusable need for some people to belittle others. It’s just not something I can do, unless I am just provoked beyond the point of return, but I usually can’t even get there. This weekend, on our trip, a woman belittled me for being vegetarian. I had known her for all of 2 hours and she was already making fun of me. I still get steamed about it, even though it was a small comment from a small-minded individual and it happened a few days ago. I can’t even excuse her because she was drunk. It was just mean-spirited.

I had no idea my choice would affect people the way it has. I had been warned, but even so, I was surprised by all the reactions this particular group had for me. They made a really, really big deal about it. Like it was the most interesting thing about me or something. Not the case!

I guess need to put a sticker on my head that says, “Excuse me, I’m a vegetarian. Please,please, please forgive me.” Except, of course, I don’t think there’s anything that needs to be forgiven.

I don’t condemn others for the act of eating meat. I’m not going to yell at or belittle someone because they eat meat. I expected the usual questions and comments, such as, “Why did you decide to do that?” and “Wow, I could never give up meat.” But to get my attention to joke with me that something had been tested on animals (when clearly it hasn’t) when the person has literally just met me? That’s just cruel.

Luckily (or unfortunately), I have been teased a lot in my life, so I dealt with her asinine comment with a good natured laugh and exited the scene. But my insides were seething angrily and I felt sick. I don’t get it – why pick on someone for something so stupid? Further interaction with this woman didn’t absolve her of her comment, either – she further proved that she was clearly in love with herself and she was quick to laugh at people for things they couldn’t help.

My husband told me some things I could say back to her to make fun of her (he knows this crowd, I don’t), but it’s just not my nature to do that. Maybe I’m a goodie-goodie, but it’s more to do with naturally being a pacifist – it doesn’t occur to me to be mean and then I can’t be mean when I’ve been attacked.

The guy who was hosting this weekend with his wife kept telling me that he had been worried about what I was going to eat. Each time he saw me eating food I had brought (so as to not be a concern) he apologized. It’s like not eating pickles or something – if I don’t eat it, I’ll just pick it off. I totally appreciate that he was concerned about me, but it’s not like I am forced to eat this way because of a medical condition or religious obligation. I deserve absolutely no special treatment, have not asked for any special treatment from anyone, but there’s still a perception that I am asking something of others. I hate that my dietary choice became a burden for him, but I have to take it as a lesson for the future so I can not freak people out by accidentally implying special treatment when I tell them about it.

And, yes, I feel fat. I ate a lot of food this weekend (vegetarian cuisine, of course). And I consumed highly caloric beverages (which was the real culprit). Back to “dieting” today. I’ll be hula hooping later, too. I had a lot of fun, though!

Texas is beautiful. I knew this, but I hadn’t been there in ages. We were in the hill country, in the southeast of Texas. The tubing was a lot of fun, too, despite the heavy ran that set in during our time on the Guadalupe river that made me feel like I was sitting in snow for several hours. I could not get warm again. The second day of tubing was awesome – we were on the San Marcos river. What a gorgeous spot! I didn’t have a camera, but I keep a running log of images from the day in my mind. I marvel at the beauty of this world on a daily basis and am grateful for our worldly playground.

Now if we could just all get along on this worldly playground, we’d be set!

And a-toobin’ we shall go!

I can’t wait until tomorrow! But, I am happy with today, as I just found out that my husband will be coming home on a much, much earlier flight! And we get to see a friend later who had surgery and is home recuperating pretty well.

I had a great visit yesterday with a friend from college. We talked about college and how much our world views broadened upon leaving that sweet but overly-homogeneous-bubblelike place. We took a walk around my neighborhood and she was quite impressed with how many people my husband and I have gotten to know in a pretty short amount of time. One of our neighbors is so nice that she’s driving us to the airport in the morning. Sweet!

I’ll write on Tuesday about our trip. Won’t have much internet access (or interest in having internet access, to be perfectly honest) while we’re gone as we’ll be out and about most of the time.

Thanks, Hooping.org!

Yesterday, all of a sudden, I had about 20 times more hits on my blog than any other day. That’s because someone took the time to find my blog about losing weight, read it, and then post it on the June 17 news on http://hooping.org/. Wow! I really hope my tale can help someone out there.

I’m tired today, but I am very much looking forward to seeing a college friend who is visiting today and then possibly seeing my husband tomorrow night if he gets on an earlier flight home. Otherwise, I will see him Friday morning at the airport as he gets off of the red eye flight back from his convention. I’m dropping the pooch off with my sister-in-law tomorrow night, and I hope that doesn’t mean that there is not another living creature in the house besides me. That would drive me nuts and I probably won’t sleep. At least I have stuff to do still, like pack.

Speaking of stuff to do: In the category of Yes, Honey, You Were Right, I got pulled over last night for the first time in my life. Ever. I have been in a car that was pulled over for speeding, so I know the drill and all, but my heart was pounding all the same. When the officer finally got out of his car and asked me if I knew why he pulled me over, I told him, yes – that my brake light was out on one side. My husband had told me this a few days ago, and I PROMISE I was going to get to it this week, but it’s just been one of those weeks! Luckily, the officer only gave me a warning, but now I have to take care of it today or I will be a paranoid driver. I don’t like living – or driving – as a paranoid person. Although I do sleep like a paranoid person (i.e., badly) when my husband travels for business.

So, here’s to a day of taking care of things that need to be done, and looking forward to fun times ahead.

Countdown to Texas!

On Friday morning, my husband and I are going to Texas to go tubing down the San Marcos river. We’re very excited! We’re going to see people (some of whom we’ve met) who share a common love of Playa del Carmen, Mexico. It’s going to feel so good to relax in the river. I know my husband and I will be singing some Tina Turner “Rollin’ on a River” several times. We had a fun time singing that song on our last night in Playa last September after it played in Manne’s Biergarten. We left dinner, singing that song at the top of our lungs as we made our way to Ron’s Beer Bucket where our friends had gathered to say goodbye to us. It was a great night.

I just love that my husband and I seem to meet nice people wherever we are. I am grateful to have so many wonderful friends and family in Atlanta, the southeast, and all over the continent. As I mentioned in my steps about finding people to emulate (in terms of dieting but also in a general sense), the friends we’ve made across our lives have shaped us for the better. I love that. It’s like a really beautiful mural that we create for each other by rubbing off on each other. By the time we’re finished, we’ll have touched and been touched by so many wonderful people with so much to give that as we look across the canvas of our lives, we’ll see indescribable beauty that is unique to ourselves. I think it’s easier for us to see the influences other have had on us than we have had on them, but if they are willing to share their canvas with us, we’ll see that we did indeed leave our mark.

All deep thoughts aside, I am very excited about our mini-vacation! I’m glad that my husband and I will finally have some time together as his work has taken him away a lot lately. Then in a few more weeks, we’ll have an entire uninterrupted week together in the mountains with family.

Books I’ll be reading

There are so many books out there. I started looking through my different friends’ book lists on facebook (coming across some pretty interesting statuses, like:

“Grocery-ing done, lawn mowed, Young Extroverted One clean, daddy dirty & getting his beer on. A good father’s day after all”

and “CAMP PEACHES”

as well as “just ate a tomato. Salmonella be damned”

and, amazingly, “has a very unattractive sunburn, complete with “wrist bands”… Hawt”).

Then, as I typically do, I promptly got too excited to write anything down because I was ready to go to the library. I’ll get back to my friends’ lists later.

Solely based on covers alone, I decided quickly (deftly, if truth has it) on the following:

Ann Brashares’s The Last Summer (of You and Me). I actually read a review of this one. Should be interesting.

Also:

Eli Gottlieb’s Now You See Him

Tracy Chevalier’s The Lady and the Unicorn

(hey, gotta get my fix of historical fiction!)

I look forward to starting one of these tonight. I can’t wait! (Insert dork laugh. )

In other news, my dreams have become much lighter and funny. Yay. Though I have no recollection of what I dreamed light night, which is odd.

It’s decided: I need a new book

Another thing that usually cheers me up is to read a really, really good book. There are a lot of mediocre books out there; I know because I have read a lot of them. I’m not usually one of those people who puts down a book partway through – essentially breaking the book-reader relationshp waaaay before first base.

I have read and re-read all of my favorite novels. I’ve trudged through somewhat boring books and suffered through really predictable books that angered me at their lack of creativity. I’ve read really good books that were ruined by the author’s insistence on throwing in come cheesy elements that had no reason to be there.

I’ve also read some books that have shaped me as a person. Anita Diamont’s The Red Tent. Audrey Niffenegger’s The Time Traveler’s Wife. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry (everything Lois Lowry write is amazing). The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. Wicked by Gregory Maguire. This is the level I am looking for. I get all happy when I think about these books.

The search shall commence tomorrow. I’ll let you know what I find.

Much better mind set today!

A fun night with friends last night, featuring our very first full scale vegan meal (instead of random foraging throughout the day) as well as sipping fine tequila made for a major mood elevator! It’s so amazing how quickly I can get out of a funk sometimes. I am very grateful for the timing. (Sigh of relief.)

Water – play and give!

http://www.freepoverty.com/

I just donated 135 bottles of water. That does make me feel good.

And I  gave some rice, too

http://www.freerice.com/index.php

My dreams are issuing an alert: Code Red. I’m stressed.

Durn. This thinking lightly thing is not going so well this week.

I’ve dreamed about tornadoes twice this week. If you do a simple Google search, you don’t have to look far to find out that means that I am stressed or feeling upset about things in the future. I guess I am worried about a few things. Maybe I should just get them off my chest.

I know I mentioned that I lost weight before our wedding. I was also in a very deep depression. I am now experiencing that again, and I hate it! I want to kick Depression out of my life for good (thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert who also personified Depression in Eat, Pray, Love). It really is like having another person with you all the time, one that you dislike, smells horrible, points out the bad stuff in the world every second.

I remember from college in our counseling class, our professor told us that “your perception is your reality.” I feel like my perception right now is under attack. I am not sleeping well, I feel lonely even though I have tons of friends, I wonder where I am headed in this life, I can be in a room full of people and my mind will totally be somewhere else. I only feel better when I am talking to another, living, breathing human being. Or our dog.

In the past, I have vowed not to let Depression get the better of me. It just hurts. It sucks. So why can’t I just shrug it off?

My husband jokes about how I can’t relax. It’s one of those jokes that is funny because it’s true. I think I get my inability to relax from my dad. He is a worrier. He can’t sit still. He always has to be doing something and you can tell that his mind is going a million miles a minute. He’s a neat freak. He’s a control freak. I find that I am becoming a lot like him when it comes to certain things.

One minute I am fine. The next minute I am compressing (or depressing as that same college professor would say) all my thoughts about self-worth together and the bad outweighs the good.

Am I distracting myself (i.e., fooling myself) from dealing with issues if I am only trying to change my perception of them? Will they still be a problem if I decide it isn’t a problem? What sucks is that I can’t readily identify all my problems. It’s not like looking in the fridge and noticing you’re out of milk. It’s more like what I felt as a teenager. Maybe I’m just bored with everything. I want something new and exciting to happen every day. Or maybe I have gotten spoiled by a lot of new things in the last few years – marriage, dog, job I like (mostly), buying a house, coaching cheerleading, being part of the leadership for my a cappella group. I stick my head way too far into the future and can’t enjoy the present. I think about how I already know what I am doing every weekend in September and October.

Okay, I see myself descending down a spiraling staircase and it’s time to shove off and get out and do something! I am going to be happy now.

(See?)